I have been away for such a long time and I must apologise but I have been really struggling and haven’t felt like doing anything except sleeping(I haven’t even done that very well)!
Anyway, something awesome happened tonight and I think I’m coming back from the brink. I think I’m healing for the first time since this last bout of depression took it’s grip, properly coming back, properly healing.
Tonight, I got out of the bath and really looked at myself. I haven’t done this for such a long time because I haven’t had a full length mirror but mostly because I’ve hated myself for allowing myself to put so much weight on. But tonight, I really studied myself, every flaw and for the first time since I can remember, I genuinely felt loved for myself. I have really struggled recently with my mental health and hatred of myself and tonight I felt proud of myself. I felt proud of myself for fighting, I felt proud of myself for never giving in, I felt proud of myself for getting out of bed everyday when some days it was all too much and most importantly, I felt proud of me for living. I realised I love my body for everything it does and has done. It gets me up every morning, it allows to run around with my son, to walk my dog, to live and best of all, it housed and gave birth to my beautiful son. I may have put in a few pounds (*cough* stone) but I am not a number, I am not my mental health, I am me! Beautiful, considerate, caring and loving and I love me.
Love yourself even when you don’t feel that you deserve it ❤️
It’s been a little while since I posted so I thought it was time to update you with my journey. I was out on sertraline on Friday after my visit to my GP but unfortunately I had an allergic reaction to it over the weekend so I was back at the docs yesterday! I have been given some antihistamines and been prescribed citalopram, which I have used previously. I have to allow time for the reaction to settle but I can start the new tablets one Friday.
When I started this blog, I wanted to try and remain as positive as possible but I have come to realise that’s not always possible. Some days are just bad and sometimes you have a bad patch. I am struggling just now and I reminding myself that it is absolutely okay not to be okay. I am not weak, I am not useless, I am human and so are you. I have my doctors appointment booked for tomorrow morning and my lovely friend is sending me some healing crystals. I will be okay, I just have to keep battling on and get the help and support I need.
**** TRIGGER WARNING ****
My mental health has been suffering again just recently and I’ve not been dealing too well with that. After talking with some friends the other night, I have decided that maybe it’s time to go back to counselling and actually attend for more than one session. I feel like there is something from my childhood that I’m missing, something I can’t remember and I hope that talking to a professional may help me remember/slash move on from what ever it is. Mine was a difficult childhood that was never settled with moving a lot and my mother’s various boyfriends, having younger sisters to look after and house work to do I never really felt like I was a child at all. I was just something caught between childhood and adulthood. I mostly feel like that now to be honest.
It’s been a very strange couple of days since I lasted posted. I was I’ll with a bug at the beginning of the week which never does wonders for my mental health! So I’ve been feeling very down again and struggling to find any motivation. But I did return to work on Wednesday to cover a shift for a colleague (regretted it but that’s a different story) and worked last night and had the best shift ever!