I have been away for such a long time and I must apologise but I have been really struggling and haven’t felt like doing anything except sleeping(I haven’t even done that very well)!
Anyway, something awesome happened tonight and I think I’m coming back from the brink. I think I’m healing for the first time since this last bout of depression took it’s grip, properly coming back, properly healing.
Tonight, I got out of the bath and really looked at myself. I haven’t done this for such a long time because I haven’t had a full length mirror but mostly because I’ve hated myself for allowing myself to put so much weight on. But tonight, I really studied myself, every flaw and for the first time since I can remember, I genuinely felt loved for myself. I have really struggled recently with my mental health and hatred of myself and tonight I felt proud of myself. I felt proud of myself for fighting, I felt proud of myself for never giving in, I felt proud of myself for getting out of bed everyday when some days it was all too much and most importantly, I felt proud of me for living. I realised I love my body for everything it does and has done. It gets me up every morning, it allows to run around with my son, to walk my dog, to live and best of all, it housed and gave birth to my beautiful son. I may have put in a few pounds (*cough* stone) but I am not a number, I am not my mental health, I am me! Beautiful, considerate, caring and loving and I love me.
Love yourself even when you don’t feel that you deserve it ❤️
It’s been a little while since I posted so I thought it was time to update you with my journey. I was out on sertraline on Friday after my visit to my GP but unfortunately I had an allergic reaction to it over the weekend so I was back at the docs yesterday! I have been given some antihistamines and been prescribed citalopram, which I have used previously. I have to allow time for the reaction to settle but I can start the new tablets one Friday.
I have to say though I am already feeling like a weight has been lifted by just seeking the help I need. My boss has also been great and given me this week off to recover a bit. I have beautiful friends who totally understand and have been so supportive and my husband is just the best. So is my son who understands mommy is poorly, we have explained to him in a way a 5 year old can understand.
I urge anyone who is struggling to keep talking and keep seeking that help. It’s out there!
I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote for my son tonight.
“Oh, how I could lie here all night
Staring at your sweet, baby face
The innocence dancing up on it
In the flickering moonlight”
When I started this blog, I wanted to try and remain as positive as possible but I have come to realise that’s not always possible. Some days are just bad and sometimes you have a bad patch. I am struggling just now and I reminding myself that it is absolutely okay not to be okay. I am not weak, I am not useless, I am human and so are you. I have my doctors appointment booked for tomorrow morning and my lovely friend is sending me some healing crystals. I will be okay, I just have to keep battling on and get the help and support I need.
I need to take some time to heal properly and not try to rush things all the time. I will probably take some meds again along with some therapy. I find talking helps me and talking to someone outside is even better for me. I need to try and move forward for myself and my family and not keep getting stuck in this cycle. I know I will always suffer with this but I want to have more good days than bad, I want to be able to spend more quality time with my son and my husband and not have to spend days off work turning into a recluse. I need to move on.
Keep fighting warriors, stay strong but stay human.
**** TRIGGER WARNING ****
I seem to be having more bad days than good just recently and I’m just feeling so tired! In fact, tired is an understatement, I’m exhausted! Emotionally, physically. I’m struggling to see it getting better and I’m struggling to find the motivation for making it better but feeling guilty that I’m not trying. I hate this! So I have picked up the phone and made my doctors appointment.
I came off my antidepressants a few months ago (with my doctor) but I think it was too soon. I feel like I am back at square one again and I can’t keep doing this. I want to move forward, to have more good days than bad and feel better. I know I’ll never be 100% well and I’m okay with that, I’m okay with the fact that I am different to who I used to be. That a massive change has happened inside me, inside my mind. But I want to feel almost normal again.
I am also going to ask about counselling again and actually attend more than one session. That’s my mammoth task done for the day.
I’ll leave you with one of my latest poems below.
“This constant battle inside my mind.
War and destruction is all I find.
Emotions running high
With no real reason why.
When you really have it all.
But you put up the brick wall.
Let it all slide.
Find somewhere to hide.
And make it all stop……..”
My mental health has been suffering again just recently and I’ve not been dealing too well with that. After talking with some friends the other night, I have decided that maybe it’s time to go back to counselling and actually attend for more than one session. I feel like there is something from my childhood that I’m missing, something I can’t remember and I hope that talking to a professional may help me remember/slash move on from what ever it is. Mine was a difficult childhood that was never settled with moving a lot and my mother’s various boyfriends, having younger sisters to look after and house work to do I never really felt like I was a child at all. I was just something caught between childhood and adulthood. I mostly feel like that now to be honest.
I was actually scrolling through Instagram one night when I came across a meme shared by someone that described one of the feelings I feel which I believe must stem from my unsettled childhood. Homesick, I feel homesick all of the time. I’m not sure where for it if this place even exists. Maybe it’s a homesickness for a home I wish existed, a feeling, an emotion that my mind has created for itself. Maybe that’s what I hope I would feel about this non-existent ‘home’. I’m hoping a professional can also help me deal with this. I find talking helps me but I struggle with who I feel safe enough to talk to so it’s a vicious circle really.
So that’s it, I’m off to counselling and feeling rather positive about it actually.
I’ll leave you there before I bore you with the ramblings of my beautiful mind.
It’s been a very strange couple of days since I lasted posted. I was I’ll with a bug at the beginning of the week which never does wonders for my mental health! So I’ve been feeling very down again and struggling to find any motivation. But I did return to work on Wednesday to cover a shift for a colleague (regretted it but that’s a different story) and worked last night and had the best shift ever!
We literally laughed all night which, those of us with mental health problems know is just the best therapy but more than that we talked! And I discovered that both of my team mates I was working with both suffer with their mental health so we had like a little mini counselling/therapy session whilst cleaning down for the night and it was awesome. I think we all came away feeling a little lighter and a little more right with the world.
Anyway, talk more and feel better.
I started my blog on Facebook and Instagram to document my journey. Along my journey I have discovered that I am a pretty nifty poet and I have found that it helps me so much to put the proverbial pen to paper and get my feelings out. It’s my release and I am so happy to have found something that I can do to mak myself feel a little better even during really dark days.
Sometimes, finding that one release can make a world of difference to how you feel and how you think. Finding that one thing can help you battle the demons in your head and to process your own thoughts and feelings. Art therapy- there’s a lot to be said for it! Whether you write, draw, paint, or perform you can work through your issues to make a difference.
I will leave you with one of my latest poems:
Back with you
I’m not feeling myself
At this present time
I’m hoping I’ll be back
In a little while
Until then I’m afraid
I’ll just have to do
I’m sure it won’t be long
Before I’m back with you.
Love to you all,